Integrative Sex & Couples Therapy: A Therapist's Guide to New and Innovative Approaches by Nelson Tammy

Author:Nelson, Tammy [Nelson, Tammy]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: PESI Publishing & Media
Published: 2020-06-11T16:00:00+00:00

Create Clear Understanding

Once the therapist has collaborated with couples to create a safe place for complex conversations about kink, sex, intimacy, and relationships, it is time to take those complex conversations to the next level. During this stage, the therapist helps each person become clear about their wants and needs, gain insight, and speak their truth. The therapist also helps the couple clearly understand what each other is seeking. Many sexual discussions have gone awry due to false assumptions and a lack of clear understanding about what each person actually wants.

For example, consider the case of Ted, who wanted his wife, Georgia, to engage in anal play with him. She had heard and assumed that meant Ted wanted her to penetrate him anally with a strap-on dildo, like in a porn she had seen with him. Anally penetrating Ted with a strap-on was a “turn off” for Georgia, and it was not part of her erotic template. As a result, the discussion was shut down and Ted became resentful.

Several years later during sex therapy, it came to light that Ted would have been just as happy with any kind of anal play. Once Georgia was able to gain a clearer understanding regarding Ted’s wants, she learned to penetrate him anally with a small vibrator guided by her own hand. She had no problem with doing so and actually came to enjoy seeing how aroused Ted became. It was specifically the strap-on dildo to which she objected because in her words, “I’m not a man, and only men have cocks.”

Similarly, for Gerald and Sheila, part of therapy involved helping the couple gain a clearer understanding of how to increase Gerald’s desire for more frequent BDSM scenes while also maintaining Sheila’s desire for emotional connection. By speaking her truth, it became clear that Sheila was worried about doing more frequent scenes with Gerald because it bothered her to see him wearing the pink panties he generally selected for each scene. Sheila didn’t mind at all that Gerald wore panties as part of the scene, but the pink color bothered her a great deal. It reminded her of when her older brother got caught stealing a pair of her pink panties when she was a teenager. When her father found out, he slugged her older brother in the face and called him a “fucking pervert.” She loved her big brother, and it was a very disturbing memory.

When Gerald came to understand Sheila’s discomfort with the pink panties, he was taken aback. Although the couple had been together for seven years, he had never heard any of this before. Gerald said that the color of the panties didn’t matter to him. He liked pink for the humiliation aspect, but it was panties in general that aroused him, not the specific color. By having this conversation in therapy, they discovered Sheila would be willing to have more frequent scenes if Gerald selected panties in a different color. It is often little things like this that come out by delving deeper into each client’s experience.

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